Life at the Bottom
I'm reading a couple books by Theodore Dalrymple. Absolutely wonderful, even if the news he bears about our culture is disheartening. There is a quote in the preface of "Life at the Bottom," a book about his experience working with the British underclass that perfectly crystalizes a partially-formed critique in my own mind.
You see, I am angry. I am angry at myself, and others like me.
The readers of books. The holders of delicate and artful stances which exude virtue and above all, tolerance. If I look back at most of my ideas over my existence as a "liberal" political being, I see above all other virtues, the certainty that one should never judge.
For there is no worse thing to do, than to judge another. In the modern age, judging another being has gone into the box with every terrible "ism" we know.
In recent years I have begun to break out of this mold, primarily, by judging myself. I've seen an ocean of hypocrisy in the landscape of the self. I've seen that over and over, I have my cake and I eat it too.
I have often been a solipsistic being presiding over a planet dedicated to my self-aggrandizement.
"That's not true!" my friends will say. I appreciate this. However, it is true.
To some double-digit percentage, my kindness to others came from a desire to never be judged myself. I am sorry that this is so. My kindness may yet be real, however it is not especially remarkable, when stripped of it's self-serving elements.
I do not fear losing friends because of this, because the ones who can stand me stick by me despite these faults. In some real degree, the nobility of their "metal," their incorruptability, is why they are still here. I am deeply thankful.
I can only say: I will endeavor to do better. By others, and by myself. At the end of it all, it is by the standards we hold that we should be judged. I would rather be judged a poor student by a high standard, than as an exemplary character by a weak one.
So, anyway, the quote! In "Life at the Bottom," Dalrymple is speaking about the many individuals he got to know in the course of his work as a doctor:
And if I paint a picture of a way of life that is wholly without charm or merit, and describe many people who are deeply unattractive, it is important to remember that, if blame is to be apportioned, it is the intellectuals who deserve most of it. They should have known better but always preferred to avert their gaze. They considered the purity of their ideas to be more important than the actual consequences of their ideas. I know of no egotism more profound.
Right.
From the peace, stability and steady growth of a 23 year marriage, I would never be so dowdy as to recommend my lifestyle to others. Anything goes.
Though I didn't do drugs, though I didn't "party," I would always say "cool, wow," when people told me about their trips. I kept my testimony silent.
In such ways I let hell bubble up from below, always primly assured of a separate peace. Was I being "high-minded?"
No. I was looking down on everyone, but desiring the good graces of everyone at the same time.
There is no other word for it. This is an ugly trait. It is the hand in the lifeboat that hesitates, considering, before reaching out to the man in the water.
Why am I so harsh, why now?
I have felt real love. I have felt the forgiveness and grace of God.
It is good enough. It is strong enough, that it allows me to face the truth.
Facing the truth in myself, allows me to look around and face it elsewhere.
The real truth is much closer to what your parents, and grandparents believed that what you believe. The real truth is, frankly, "conservative."