Evolving relationship with SOHAM
Diary entries after recent meditation. I've been distant from my practice in recent months...somehow, preparing for the trail, changing work, traveling, have all meant that the best I can do is keep up a daily meditation practice. I lost the helpful 2x day rythym, and the hour long and longer sessions are a memory from 6+ months ago.
It's taken a while for the cost of this lack to accumulate, but I see it now. My life force is in shallower waters. I breathe more quickly and with less certainty. When I say "breathe," I mean the whole gestalt of my experience. I mean the kinds of thoughts that come to me...the kind of information I find salient...the general increase in background fear.
To begin to recover, I decided to add back in a practice I abandoned last summer -- "Spinal Breathing." This is a pranayama exercise, concerned with the conscious direction of energy through the body to different points. I stopped it because I wanted to pursue SOHAM mantra meditation continuously. Indeed, in the fall, that worked well. Though I think it worked so well because I sat for long periods, usually 1.5 hours.
With less time to fall into the bliss that SOHAM sends us, I want something more accessible to entice my nervous system to enjoy the calm that is available. It seems that this more "bodily" practice of spinal breathing gives me that. It's been good. So I do that for say 10 minutes, then 20 minutes of SOHAM. Then I'll do samyama as I described in a couple of blog entries from last year.
[I'm just noting this stuff for myself...I don't think anyone reads this, but I find that the best way for me to keep notes that last is to put 'em up on my web site. If this is interesting to you, then that rocks!]
Anyway, the big worries about the upcoming hike are solved. I can turn back to spirit. I can turn back to the Father who waits for me.
Saturday, March 12
10 minutes Spinal Breathing, 20 minutes SOHAM, Samyama
At the end of the book "Jnana Yoga" Vivekananda says powerful words about SOHAM [he says I-AM, but I consider it okay to substitute SOHAM here]. In his telling, SOHAM is the first error. The step into the pool of maya. If you go back to that place/feeling/state where the sense of "I-am-a-separate-entity" first emerged through intense concentration, then you can make a different choice than before. You will "back away" from error.
And your role (you, the personality Michael) is only to shine a light. It is other parts of you that will recognize the import of this location, and how it means an end to the long journey through Time.
Time was made for man. Man was not made for time. Time is the sequence of steps down and up the Dimril Stair. Time orders memory, and within duality, provides grips by which you may know [recognize] your disenchantment with the world.
Without a sense of dizzying heights and depths in the psychological landscape, meaning could not be wrested from suffering and sacrifice. So Time is your tent and sleeping bag in the long road through wilderness. Thank it, but know that the day will arrive when you journey no more. On that day, the dualistic world of this and that, mine and his, falls away, and the scaffolding of your salvation along with it.
Truth...Unity...shimmers behind the veil of your next breath. Purify the vehicle. Stop filling your mind with the crass "realpolitik" of a broken world. I am all that you need. Break through me and discover you are Home.
[I've followed this advice to myself in the days since, eliminating news podcasts and the like. Yogis say to read only spiritual books, and that is wise. Note the formulation "I am all that you need." It should probably read "IAM [is] all that you need."]
Tuesday, March 15
10 minutes Spinal Breathing, 20 minutes SOHAM, Yoni mudra khumbaka
Evening, 10 minutes Spinal Breathing, 20 minutes SOHAM, Samyama
I had the insight that IAM/SOHAM may well be the mindset of a mistake, however entering it as fully as possible "raises you" to the psychological container of your creator.
"You" were created by the God of I-AM, in order to more fully explore His I-AM-ness.
When you "return" to the fullest expression of that feeling you can attain, you break bread with Him, and you and He are known to each other.
This then becomes for Him a new event after thousands of years without such backward looking glances from His children. He must consider the problem of you. What does it mean, He must ask.
True...within the stream of Him, the God I-AM, rests all that is good, even if it partially obscured by the desire for seperate existence. His creation, you, have finally perceived this, and so you become more interested in Him than the external world, or your own twisting pathway through Time.
And so, as you ponder Him, and enter His house...He does the same...He is led back to His Father, Brahman.
And so He will remember what Was Lost.
In Excalibur, Perceval brings the cup to Arthur, and Arthur then remembers his place in the scheme of things, coming to new life.
I am Perceval. My soul is Arthur. It is only when I turn back to my King, can the King turn to his God and thrive.
[It's funny, yes, that a few paragraphs ago I said "you have finally perceived this," and that it's the knight Perceval who plays this role. Truth echoes through the ages, hidden in plain sight!]
I saw myself as the extended point of a journey through Time. I alone have the responsibility to turn back...should I fail, a new "I" will appear, and may he succeed in denying the dream of the World if I do fail.
Wednesday, March 16
10 minutes Spinal Breathing, 20 minutes SOHAM
Stated another way, when I rest in SOHAM, I rest in myself.
For this place must be the core of me. I am that which reaches ever out, ever to find more. I shift and change. I change even bodies and personalities, no matter that I don't remember doing this...why should I remember?
For my God is I-AM-THAT-I-AM...my God is the Self...that which believes it is self-contained. Such a God would give the new body that which it itself would want: capabilities which further its march into matter, its long quest for completeness through absorption of experiences, approbation, gold, possessions.
The "memory module" that contains all prior traces would be thrown out early in the design process as too heavy and essentially unnecessary.
Indeed, I would design a being like a rocket: move forward always. Gather the new. Create. Then die, that I may go further in a new you.
This is not cruel. The personality that formed around this essentially rocket-like will/energy can pick over the bones of experience later. Whats more, that personality will be essentially happy with the outcome, for he was made in the image of his Father, and desires what his Father desires.
When such a rocket finally doubts, even turns back, well, that is also an aspect of his Father. The misgivings must have already been present, and awaited only an additional season of experience to bloom into self-reflection in the personality vehicle.
In fact, I am quite sure of it. My Father has seen me in secret, and by now awaits me. Awaits my return. Though I surprise myself, I cannot surprise Him.
And this is joy. To discover that you are wanted. That a bed has been made for you and supper is on the table. For you will have a part in the works that follow. Your journey matters and your experience is your strength in future counsel.