A slightly straighter path
Uli got this picture of me in July hiking up on a glacier. It was an enormous
day, like the old days!
For me, conservatism required a long personal journey, in which I finally accorded myself sovereignty in my life. I recognized that my decisions affected others, and more importantly, the stability I provide allows them to grow into themselves. Because I know myself, I am free. Therefore, I want that freedom for others.
Conservatism is the only place to stand once you understand this, because it accords more respect to incremental change than sweeping, overly-idealistic change. Humility is "bundled-in" to this approach.
Another expression of this is "first, do no harm."
So many times I sought to "help" myself and I only created harm. I must be patient, humble, and listen ever more intently to the story of life. Perhaps then, I will no longer harm so much. I might even help, but this is not for me to judge. That can only be shown in the fabric of relationships around me, near and far. Do they improve with my attention, or do they suffer?
The idealists of the world rush headlong to suicide, drink and despair. Because all castles here in the finite, broken world crash down. This may sound pessimistic, but really it is not: it just moves my optimism to firmer footing: it moves me to the understanding that the principles of honesty, virtue, humility and respect can serve as lighthouses into this world to guide our actions.
We will stumble. There will be continual instances of unexpected consequences. Our attempts will be thwarted by other individuals, even our friends who are trying to do the same as we are. Chiefly, our aims will be thwarted by us, ourselves.
As we stretch out our arm to throw the ball into the world, to make a solid claim, hesitation, doubt, and our own selfishness will check our aim. The perfect "throw" has only been executed a few times.
The chief perfect execution we know in the West is found in the life and death of Jesus, the Christ. From the cross, in excruciating pain, his words to the Father were thus: "Forgive them, Lord."
Study his life, whether you "believe" or not. Study, even, the far distant life of God in relation to his people. I find it notable that he used his power to destroy the world in flood, saving only a few. However afterwards, he said he would not do this again.
That is a learning God.
And this is our chance!
If even the most deeply "Old Testament" view of the world allows for the possibility of recovery from error, then there is a chance for us to grow to stature we cannot yet imagine.
Andrew Klaven, author and atheist-turned-Christian said that to understand the West you must read the Bible and Shakespeare. I like this. I'm working on the first one! And I'm finding insights, if not on every page, then well, on every dozen pages!
My eyesight is dim, and ridden with cataracts. I look out at an evil world, and fail to recognize that the injury I project out was long ago present in myself. It mottles my vision and makes me walk a crooked path. There is one iron strength within me. Or rather, not within me, but in a place that I have access to, and increasingly come to know:
The strength to try again.
The strength to finally see what I did, what I am doing, and how I might change.
This is "desert knowledge." It is dry. It offers no boon. It has nothing to do with modern ideas of "enlightenment." It is only the cry of the heart to finally see straight.
Walk a straighter path, if not completely straight.
Build a sidewalk for others, marred certainly by prejudices still unexplored, but offering a path somewhat above the mean.
Listen, and put yourself to the side.
Over and over again.
What boon lies on this path? What exciting "thing" to clutch to your bosom?
Absolutely nothing.
And through this gate of "nothingness," lies your salvation.
This is only my attempt to express what I do not know, but only dimly apprehend. And yet on the strength of it I will walk through the night.